Day 5: Friendship according to me

I have never had the habit of getting used to friendship, basically because something in my mind keeps telling me that I don't deserve a friendship.

Now, this feeling traces back to my school days, when I was in my second grade. I was very bad at making friends even then, but I had two people to be called as friends. Times were really childish those days, with messages sent as chits and talking immaturely was the usual. I got a chit from friends, and I was absolutely happy when I got it hand. I was expecting a 'love you always' note or a 'you're by best friend' note. But, I never knew what that chit had for me.

When I opened it with excitement, all I was left with was disappointment and frustration. The chit read, "You don't deserve friendship, and we are not going to be your friends anymore." Tears started rolling down my eyes, and I had no idea why I never deserved friendship. I saw two of my friends hiding behind a wall to see how I was reacting to the chit.

Days rolled on, but "You don't deserve friendship" kept resonating in my mind. It was engraved so deep in my heart, that none of my efforts could actually erase it off. In every potential friend I see, I also see a feeling that I don't deserve that friendship. I started isolating myself, and I only worked on myself. I involved myself into a lot of works so that I won't be left alone, but little did I understand that the chit note actually left a scar in my life, allowing me not to strike a friendship with anyone.

Every time someone comes to me as a friend, I only move away because I don't deserve it. I never though that one small chit would make a big difference to my life, for so many years. I never moved on from there. I still remember that day so strong that it runs like a videotape in my mind.

Later when I was pondering upon the reason for the scar, I realised that it was I who was holding on to it, because I didn't forgive them anytime in my life, and it made me develop a hatred towards friendship. I carried the heavy bag wherever I went, and I was never ready to let go of it, neither change my opinion about it. I was keeping myself hard on it, so that I don't forget it. I kept myself stern and heavy, and I never trusted anyone. The mistake was mine, but it wasn't easy for to comprehend. I was blinded by the wound, that I never wanted to carry forever.

The moment we decide to let go of what is troubling us, we eventually let peace to enter our lives. But, when we keep our bags heavy, it distorts our peace, and makes us regret ourselves.